The secret thing you don’t realize about the first time you have sex until way after it’s happened is that there’s no wrong way to do it. As long as it’s totally consensual and safe, you’re doing everything right.
But that doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to feel nervous (or even a little anxious) about doing the deed for the very first time. Everyone has pre-sex jitters—no matter how cool they pretend to play it. And you should embrace the awkwardness! Because, I hate to break it to you, but sex can be just as awkward the 500th time you do it as the first. Smushing two clumsy bodies together is a perfect recipe for weird sounds and fumbling around, and that never really changes.
Here, sex therapist Vanessa Marin and psychotherapist Nicole Tammelleo, LCSW-R, share their tips for making your first time as pleasurable as possible.
1. Don’t fake an orgasm.
I know pop culture has ingrained in us all the need to moan and writhe with pleasure at every single touch, but do yourself a favor down the line and don’t set the bar for an orgasm via kiss immediately. Tammelleo says this is especially important the first time you have sex with a new partner. You don’t want to create any unrealistic standards, especially since many women don’t have orgasms the first time they have sex with a new partner.
“If you fake an orgasm or tell your partner you had one when you didn’t, it’s harder to communicate your needs in the future,” Tammelleo says. Plus, once you get into the habit of faking, it makes it that much harder to stop, take a step back, and be like, “Actually, what you’re doing doesn’t rock my world as much as you think, sorry.”
2. Be comfortable asking questions.
Whether it’s your first or fiftieth time having sex, the worst thing you can do is go into it with the assumption that you know everything about what your partner wants. No amount of slumber party gossip about blow jobs and giving massive hickeys can prepare you for what your partner is actually gonna be into. The only way to find out is to ask them: Do they like oral sex, or would they rather leave that off the menu? Would they rather have the music on or off? Not only does asking questions show your partner that you care, but it may also encourage them to do the same—making the whole experience better for everyone.
3. Know that sex should never hurt.
“Many women believe that the first time they have sex it will be painful,” says Tammelleo. “While it might be a little uncomfortable and awkward, it really should not be painful.”
Tammelleo adds that “hundreds of women” have told her that, when they had penetrative sex for the first time, it felt like their partner was “hitting a brick wall.” Which is absolutely not what this should feel like. Lube is an absolute must-have (more on that later), but if that doesn’t help get things running smoothly, you should consult your doctor or a gynaecologist to see if you may have a condition called vaginismus, which makes it really hard for anything to enter the vagina.
If your vagina is burning or itching or feels any sort of bad thing during or after sex, talk to your doctor, especially if the sensation quickly doesn’t go away on its own or gets worse over time.
4. And also that you might (or might not!) bleed.
The (incorrect, pretty problematic) myth that everyone with a vagina bleeds the first time they have penetrative sex is, as is turns out, very much not true!
Yes, some people do bleed the first time, and that bleeding is usually caused by the stretching of your hymen—a thin, delicate piece of tissue located just a couple inches inside the vagina. But more than 50 per cent of people don’t bleed their first time, because the hymen can be stretched during regular, non-sex activities like jumping on a trampoline, riding a bike, or running around.
Also, bleeding after sex can happen at any time in your life—not just the first time. Once again: lube is your new BFF.
5. Remember not to compare your experience with anyone else’s.
Not only should you temper your expectations going into it, but also keep in mind that when you’re looking back on the experience later, not to beat yourself up about it. If you waited to have sex for the first time with a long term partner only to break up in the future, don’t feel bad for sharing that experience with that person as long as you had consensual, enthusiastic fun in the moment. It’s normal to cringe thinking about past sexual experiences, but that’s part of the fun.
6. You don’t have to tell someone it’s your first time, but you might want to.
No new partner deserves a full report of your sexual history. Whether you’ve slept with 50 people or zero, that’s your business. I repeat: no one is entitled to your “number.” However, getting intimate for the first time can be… well, intimate. If you feel like you’re withholding something important to you, it could negatively affect your overall comfort level and ~vibe~.
If you tell someone you’ve never had sex before and they freak, then they’re probably not someone you wanted to be with anyway. They should take that as their cue to be even more communicative with you.
7. Being safe can actually relax you.
Nothing is more distracting than worrying about STIs and pregnancy during sex. Even if it feels awkward, it is so, so, so important to chat with your partner beforehand about what you’ll do to protect yourselves. Use a condom even if you’re on another form of birth control to protect you both from STIs unless you are both monogamous with each other and STI-free (check out local clinics like Planned Parenthood for free/affordable testing).
8. Enthusiastic consent is a prerequisite for everything you do.
“Make sure you enthusiastically consent to each and everything the two of you do together,” Marin says. “‘Enthusiastic’ is a key part of that sentence. Don’t just go along with something—make sure you’re excited about it.”
Remember that just because you start an activity—for example, sex—you don’t have to finish or continue it: You have the right to pause or stop whatever it is. No. Matter. What. Same goes for your partner, of course: Check in with each other as things progress to make sure you’re both enthusiastic about what you’re doing.
9. Remember to breathe.
A big part of enjoying sex is focusing on the sensations you’re feeling instead of, for example, your nervousness (which is totally common to feel your first time, even if you know you’re ready to have sex). “Deep breathing is a fantastic way to let go of distracting thoughts,” Marin points out. As you’re taking those deep breaths, focus on how different parts of your body are feeling and how your partner’s body feels against yours—not just the obvious part, but their fingers in your hair, hands on your hips, whatever it is.
10. Foreplay, foreplay, foreplay. Did I mention foreplay?
The more aroused you are, the better sex is likely to feel, so don’t neglect foreplay — including oral sex, manual sex, and, yes, good, old-fashioned kissing. “You’re more likely to orgasm from oral sex or fingering,” Marin says. “Resist the temptation to think of these activities as the things you do before moving on to the ‘main event.'” Whether or not you do orgasm the first time you have sex, clitoral stimulation is the key to most women’s pleasure, and vaginal intercourse doesn’t usually provide very much of it.
11. Caring about your partner’s pleasure matters more than your technique.
It’s natural to worry that you won’t be “good” in bed your first time, but trust: what matters most is that you are invested in how your partner feels and vice versa and that you two are communicating about it.
“A lot of people get anxious about sexual performance, but perhaps the best quality in a lover is enthusiasm,” Marin says. If you’re genuinely enjoying giving your partner pleasure, they’ll notice it, and have more fun, she says. Need some guidance to get you started? Simple questions like, “How does that feel?” and, “Do you like when I [fill in the blank]?” give your partner a chance to express appreciation for what you’re doing or (gently) ask for something a little different.
12. Feedback is not the same as criticism, so don’t hesitate to give it.
A common concern is that if you tell your partner something doesn’t feel good — or something else would feel better—they’ll feel attacked. But if they care about your pleasure, they’ll be happy to hear how to help you feel it. In the moment, it can be hard to figure out what exactly you want, so it can be helpful to talk after the fact about what you enjoyed, what you could do without, and what you’d like to try next time. And if you don’t have an orgasm, don’t feel pressure to pretend to have one. Think of orgasming not as your responsibility but as a fun goal to work toward with your partner(s), together.
13. Lube is your friend.
Using lube sometimes gets a bad rap as a sign that you’re not turned on enough, but even if you and your body are saying “OK, let’s do this!” a little lube can make sex so much more pleasurable. Another benefit of using a water- or silicone-based lube with a condom (avoid oil-based lube, which can degrade latex) is that less friction means the condom is less likely to tear.
14. Your partner’s penis might not do everything the two of you want.
Whether premature ejaculation, a limp penis, or inability to orgasm strike, it doesn’t mean something is wrong with your partner or you failed them somehow. Comfort with a new partner often takes time and communication, and that goes for both men and women.
Also, maybe this is a little much for your first time (but really it isn’t), there’s nothing wrong with bringing in a sex toy. Actually, it’s a great idea for all sex-having people.
15. Temper your expectations.
Teen movies and TV shows sold us a pretty unrealistic vision of what having sex for the first time looks like. It’s always perfectly choreographed and mood-lit and romantic and ends in an implied simultaneous orgasm. As if.
Don’t expect fireworks the first time you have sex—sex is messy and human and flawed and often awkward, no matter how many times you’ve done it. It’s the practice and the exploration that make sex fun.